Hmmm... Honestly, I appreciate the people in my life, but I wish they could see that I am an individual and that it is ok for me to live my life separate from theirs. I posted comments today about how my husband is stressing my out and how much he is forcing me into a binge. Well, he won. I did not tell him I was fasting (He does not understand me and so I did not want to get into any of that with him), so basically he realized (Being today is Sunday and we were around each other all day long) that I had not eaten the whole day. He asked if I had eaten all day. I couldn't tell him I already ate because that would be too obvious of a lie so I told him that he had been stressing me out so much that I don't have an appetite. Ofcourse, he started to make it all about him saying I am the one stressing him out and saying stuff like I am trying to starve myself to death to make him look bad...UGH!!!!! (SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!) I want to tear my fucking hair out. OMG I am going insane. He then made dinner and said if I don't eat he would call my mom and take me to the hospital (SCREAM!!!!!!!!!) because I have a suicidal problem. Of course he does not know that I have MAJOR problems with my weight and self-image overall (I mean he knows but he does not know the severity or extent of it all), he does not know that I not only have problems with my weight and body image but I have major issues with food...UGH. Anyway, there is no way I am going to be fucking spending a night in no hospital for anyone stupid asses that don't know much about me to diagnose me...Are you kidding me? Anyway, I ate everything he prepared while he watched me intently at the other side of the table ensuring that I am not displaying any out of the norm behavior. I REALLY HATE THIS. I must ave had like 2500 cals of sphagetti and whatever else (sigh).
Anyway you know what tomorrow is another day and the first thing I am going to do is buy some really baggy clothes to hide my weight loss from him. I also will be sleeping in the other room so he won't cuddle with me and make stupid comments like he is feeling my rib cage and all. I will eat only in front of him like on weekends when we are most likely to be spending lots of time together.
Because both of use work during the day time and he always get in late. I can make believable excuses that I already ate. I just want to be unsuspecting again. I dont want anyone thinking they have to monitor me. I hate it.
So anyway. Because I broke my fast, Day 1 of my newest fast begins tomorrow (from monday to Friday) for 5 days...UGH I wish I was single atleast I wouldn't have be accountable to anyone.
I feel awful. I was so excited about my fast. I hope I can reach that point of bliss again.
I will try not to get into an argument with my husband during another fast though because I realize it drains me a lot.
Anyway I dont know how much I weight and don't care quite frankly, I am more concerned about how I feel and not the number on the scale.
Anyway I hope everyone is having a great Day!